In sexual intimacy, a couple opens themselves to one another at the deepest possible level. It is not possible for human beings to come together in a physical union without becoming open to one another emotionally and spiritually as well. Research has shown that when relationships break apart after a couple has engaged in sexual intimacy, the breakup is often very emotionally painful and the experience may negatively affect future relationships. Individuals who have many such relationships often find it difficult to form and maintain a healthy, strong and permanent bond with a marriage partner.
Many couples also report that once sexual activity has begun, they stop talking and enjoying many other activities together--activities that may have developed their friendship.
Certainly no one needs to be reminded of the risk of infection with a sexually transmitted disease, including HIV/AIDS. The protection offered by condoms is about 90 percent at best. In reality many use condoms inconsistently and improperly, rendering the protection they offer minimal. It is also well documented that adolescents often have a succession of partners, naively considering each relationship “safe,” when in fact each new partner puts them at increased risk of infection.
You also ask what the church is doing to support young people who are trying to make good choices in this area. First, and perhaps most importantly, your church cares about you. God is interested in you by name and in what’s important in your life, and so are we. This website is one indication of our desire to maintain open dialogue with you about the issues you are confronting.
Your church also provides many opportunities for young people to become involved in service and to enjoy Christian fellowship in groups where pairing off is unnecessary and the risk of becoming involved in unwanted sexual activity is low. Your church is also a trustworthy source of accurate, age-appropriate information about sexuality from a biblical perspective. A full curriculum for sexuality education from birth to adulthood has just been released from the Department of Family Ministries at the world headquarters and has been translated into a number of languages. Ask your pastor or local conference for more information.
Every person develops a value system by which they want to live their lives. As a Christian, you have the right and the responsibility to live by the values you have chosen--values that are in keeping with the principles of Christ’s kingdom and your personal life goals.
When your boyfriend wants to have sex, tell him directly that you have decided not to have a sexual relationship with anyone until you are married. He will likely come back with many reasons why he wants you to have sex with him and why this is not a reasonable decision on your part. But remember, you have a right to decide for yourself, and no one else has the right to force to you to violate your values. Listen to him, let him know you understand his point and his feelings, but reaffirm again, “I have decided not to have a sexual relationship until I am married.”
Do not let anyone draw you into a defense of whether or not you have made a good decision. Your decision for abstinence outside of marriage is for you alone to make.
A good friend worth keeping as a potential marriage partner will respect and honor your decision. You would not want to be married to anyone who does not respect you and the values you represent. Marriage is about much more than sex. A sexual relationship with a marriage partner is wonderful. But sexual attraction alone is not a strong enough “glue” to bond two people together “for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health” for a lifetime. You do well to learn more and more about one another and to build a friendship in the time you are together.
You may want to read Proverbs 5, which speaks of the heavy consequences of a sexual relationship outside of marriage. You may also want to think of your sexual purity in the light of Paul’s reminder in Romans 6 and again in Romans 12. The apostle calls us to live a new life in Christ. This new life, Romans makes clear, includes using our bodies in ways that honor and glorify Him.
I’m not married and I just found out I’m pregnant. What should I do?
It’s hard to face life-changing consequences of one’s choices. Know this for sure. God loves you, and no poor choice that you have made can put you out of the circle of His love. Take a few minutes to read the story recorded in John 8:1-11. While this woman’s story is not your story in every detail, hear Jesus’ words of forgiveness and His call to leave mistakes behind you and follow Him.
Perhaps you can tell your parents, your pastor, a teacher or a mature friend your story and ask for their guidance. You will need to think right away about how you will care for yourself and your unborn child. It is important for you to be under the care of a physician and to be living a healthy lifestyle. You will want to think about your long-term goals for your education and make a plan for progressing toward those goals as well as for supporting yourself independently.
You may be considering an abortion. The Seventh-day Adventist Church has guidelines to help you make this decision in keeping with Bible principles. (You can see this document online at http://www.adventist.org/beliefs/guidelines/main_guide1.html) Or you may be considering whether you to put the baby up for adoption or raise the child yourself. Hopefully there are people you can trust with your problem who will help you explore the options open to you and to make the best decisions you can.
There is no Bible verse that uses the term pornography. However, there are many passages that, in principle, would include pornography among other attitudes and behaviors that just don’t fit with the new life in Christ. For example, in Philippians 4, Paul counsels Christians to guard their hearts and minds, filling them with “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable.” Pornography hardly qualifies as that!
Sexual intimacy is God’s gift to husbands and wives for the purpose of binding them together for companionship, emotional support, spiritual fulfillment, joy and sexual pleasure (cf. Gen. 2:24, 25; Prov. 5:15-19; Ecl. 9:9; Song of Sol. 4:16-5:1; Eph. 5:21-33), as well as for the purpose of having children (cf. Gen. 1:28; 4:1). Sadly, God’s gift has been devalued and, in many cases, taken away from intimacy, love and the marriage relationship.
Because sexuality is such a vital part of who we are as human beings, and because it is such a powerful vehicle for uniting marriage partners, whenever it is debased, abused, misused, or counterfeited, the impact on individuals and their relationships is enormous. The Bible calls Christians to stay far away from such destructive thoughts and behaviors (cf. Prov. 5:15-20; Hos. 2:2; 6:1-3; 1 Cor. 6:15-20; Gal. 5:16-26; Eph. 5:3-10; 21-33; Col. 3:1-19; 1 Thess. 5:23, 24).
How can I deal with sexual temptations?
We live in a world that is preoccupied with sex. The media links sex with happiness, success, and fulfillment. Perhaps the first step in dealing with sexual temptations is to put them in perspective. A sexual relationship is a beautiful gift from God to married couples. It binds them to one another and is the means whereby they may participate with Him in the creation of another human being.
But sexuality is a big word. It includes feeling good about yourself as God’s creation, male or female. It includes understanding more about what it means to be made in the image of God (because both genders reflect who He is and what He is like). It includes celebrating diversity in the world and the experience of sharing life with people who are different than you are and whose perspectives and gifts enrich your own.
While singles may be denied a sexual relationship if they never marry, they are included in everything else God intended when He created human beings in two genders.
According to one Seventh-day Adventist therapist with expertise in this area, it can be helpful also to remember that “Sex is never an emergency. No one has ever died for lack of it.” This is not to minimize the strength of sexual temptation. Again it is a matter of perspective. When a sexual relationship is not possible at the moment, it is most productive to think in terms of all the other ways life can be filled with meaning.
It goes without saying that a person who is seeking to avoid sexual temptation would also avoid sexually stimulating reading and television viewing. When as a married person you are experiencing such temptation, there is no substitute for renewing your decision to pour all of your sexual energies into enhancing your marriage relationship and building up your marriage partner with whom your have made a covenant before God.
Sexual abuse is a very traumatic life experience, and it must be difficult for you to confront the possibility of sexual abuse in your life. I would encourage you to seek professional help as you process the feelings you are experiencing. Perhaps you could ask a trusted pastor, teacher, or family member to help you find a licensed counselor, preferably with experience and expertise in dealing with sexual abuse cases.
Many persons who have been abused are afraid to tell anyone because they believe they must have been responsible for the abuse in some way. This is not true. In the Statement on Child Abuse voted by your world church, sexual abuse is defined as a choice made by an adult to harm a child: “Child sexual abuse occurs when a person older or stronger than the child uses his or her power, authority or position of trust to involve a child in sexual behavior or activity.” The Bible condemns such abuse in the strongest possible terms (cf. Lev. 18:1-6 ff., 2 Sam. 13:1-22; Matt. 18:6-9; Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21; 1 Tim. 5:-8).
You don’t mention your age. Much of what I have said relates to abuse of children, yet sexual abuse and sexual violence knows no age limits.
No matter how old you are, or what kind of abuse you may have experienced, a counselor with expertise in this area will know how to help you. Meanwhile, it may be of some comfort that God has energized many leaders in your church to break the silence on this issue and to take action to protect children and others, and to help those who have already been victimized to find healing.